Why Some Men Don't
Paul Coughlin, Author
Promise Keepers held
a Media Day in March where they discussed the problem of why men don't go
to church as much as women.
I heard about this
event from my friend Dave Murrow, author of Why Men
Hate Going to Church. His book is worth your time. I'm glad Promise Keepers
took this
issue head on because the facts are staggering. More women
attend church throughout the world than men, with the possible exception of
Eastern Orthodox.
The
discrepancy is greatest in African American churches in the
Many of my readers have
told me why they stopped going to church and what they would like to see in
order to want to attend again.
So
here are the "Top 10 Reasons Why Some Men Don't Go to Church," and
when they do go they spend more time checking their watches and
working on their To Do lists than partaking in soul work.
1. Men are told over and
over to be innocent as doves, but are not shown or encouraged to be wise as
serpents. This has handcuffed men in all major aspects
of life, robbing them of power and strength. Jesus never
said that personal piety alone will get us to the abundant he has for us, but
you wouldn't know this from
a typical church service. The same word for 'wise"
that Jesus used can also be translated as shrewd and cunning. Jesus commendsshrewd behavior as found in
the Parable of the Shrewd Manager (Luke 16). We largely
condemn shrewdness and think it's synonymous with criminal behavior. The church
wants nice men.
Jesus,
according to his own words, wants shrewd ones.
2. We preach from the
NGB: Nice Guy Bible (Retail Price: Your Soul). We emphasize the sweet stuff and
let the tougher stuff go right on by. That sweet stuff
won't save a man (or woman) from the Dark Night of The
Soul, a highly mentioned phrase first written by
can and do. For example, it was the book of Ecclesiastes
that brought President Abraham Lincoln more solace during the Civil War than another other writing.
Unfortunately
the meatier and more penetrating scriptures aren't emphasized much today. As a
result, much of what we label as spiritual living just isn't "real"
to
your average guy.
3. We contend that the
ideal Christian man is unemotional and if married, sacrifices everything for
his wife. But Jesus was anything but stoic. If we were
honest,
we would say that Jesus was a bad Christian man because
he got angry so much. According to the latest study from the
toward stoicism sets men up for divorce from women who want
an emotionally engaged husband (Our upcoming book Married But Not Engaged takes
this issue
head on by showing wives of passive and unemotional
husbands what they should and shouldn't do to help.) And men who sacrifice all
their wants and needs for
their spouse eventually bore their spouse. Following such
advice increases their chances of divorce.
4. Men have been told to
avoid anger at all costs, which isn't what the Bible says. They have not been
shown a better way: how to properly handle this primary
emotion for guys since unresolved anger can lead to
depression, alcohol and drug abuse, and even impotency.
5. We promote a dangerous
caricature of "gentle Jesus meek and mild," an infamous and ludicrous
term penned by the late John Wesley. This dangerous caricature
is as fictitious as anything you'll find in Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code. We can't blame
has encouraged Christian men to be nice to a fault,
damaging their lives and those who are under their timid care.
6. Men, compared to
women, are a problem to be fixed instead of a gender to be appreciated at
church. This is mighty unattractive and unbiblical. Some of these
churches have also given men the unbiblical belief that women
are more moral and spiritual, an intrinsically shame-filled message that is
also a form of gender bigotry.
7. The church and
Christian radio have failed to support a married man's need for regular sexual
intimacy with his wife, which is an insult and a
betrayal. We are men,
not eunuchs.
8. Christian men are
unintentionally encouraged to become the plaything of other men in a misguided
attempt to bolster their "Christian witness." We have been turned
into doormats and anvils, instead of bold hammers like the
fathers of our faith. We are encouraged to worship at the altar of other
people's approval. Proverbs 28:1
says that the righteous are as bold as lions. Bold men are
both rare and not really welcomed at church.
9. We unintentionally
create spiritual veal: overprotected children who are taught to embrace false
humility and false meekness. Kids who rarely, if ever, disagree with
authority, even when it's corrupt. Mild children afraid of the
world because they are not shown how to live in the real world (See February's
Dispatch and the story,
"Suicide and the 'Nice' Christian Teen. All previous newsletters can
be found on the Free Newsletter portion of our website). Sons and daughters who
don't possess
a powerful opinion or functioning will because they are
deemed unChristian, which sets them up for
destructive peer pressure (I deal with this tragic problem in next
year's release of Raising Good Kids in a 'Nice' World). This
list goes on. Men sense this and do not want this transformation to occur in
their children. So they stay
away.
Sunday School too often creates nice and passive kids instead of good ones.
10. Worship music is
often too sentimental for guy tastes.
Let me share a recent
church service experience that highlights Reason #7.
I heard yet another
sermon telling me that I need to be sexually pure. It was a good and right
message that included the usual remedies:
More
daily Bible reading and prayer; flee temptation the way Joseph fled from Potiphar's wife (Gen 39); and strict accountability among
others.
This minister was
preaching to a group of largely married men. And like many messages designed to
help men, it wasn't so much wrong as it was incomplete.
Most of
these men were sitting next to their wives, who according to the Bible are to
help create a monogamous relationship.
But he did not include them in his matrix of
sexual purity.
I,
like usual, was treated like a problem to be fixed outside of the real context
of my marital union.
After the sermon I talked
with another married guy, a former missionary who told me that his wife leaned
over to him and asked during
the homily, "Are you attracted to other women?"
He bravely answered, "I find other women attractive when I'm not sexually
satisfied at home."
These
may be tough words to hear, but they are true for many men. To pretend like
they are not is to deny reality and the real heart and struggle of many men.
We
ignore them at the expense of healthy families.
My goal isn't to beat
anyone up. It's to make a difficult situation better by pointing out the real
problem and then offering solutions that speak to a man's life.
So
here's a sample script of what I wish the good minister would have added to his
homily in order to help fix this problem we face.
"Now ladies, I want
to help you as well. As we both know, your husband's sexual desires don't exist
in a vacuum. They are tied to you as well.
You
can help your husband in his battle for sexual purity by doing what you can to
become the object of his sexual desires.
I know that sexuality is
a complicated and combustible topic. So an admonition to one couple may not
apply for another.
I also
know that when men get grumpy and rough around the edges that they can be as attractive
as an IRS payment.
"But at the same
time, I know that many Christian men want to be more attracted to their wives
and yet their wives don't sense the gravity of their situation.
Let me
tell you about an excellent resource and see if it might apply to your
marriage. It's called Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About
Sex.
You
can pick it up at most any bookstore. Women who read it say it really helped
them put their husband's sexual needs in perspective. Let's close in
prayer."
Why isn't this real,
truthful, and gracious addendum added to most church services when we discuss a
married man's sexual temptations, a man who is usually sitting
next to his wife at
the time? Because it's outside the box. It's not part
of the official script. It doesn't sound "Christian," and it runs the
risk of offending a minority
of prudish women who desperately need to be offended for
their own good and the good of their families. The only minister who I have
heard who has worked such
thinking into a sermon is T.D. Jakes. I'm sure there's more,
but it's safe to say that this important message is not as common as it needs
to be--that is if we're serious
about men attending church, which I'm not convinced we are.
Spiraling church
attendance is what happens when you do not speak to who men really are and what
men really need in order to mature spiritually.
Perhaps this decline is what happens before a
better direction is forged. A Good Guy Rebellion direction.
Let's blaze this new
path, each of us in our own way using whatever gifts and resources we have
before us today. Be warned that you may gain a few enemies.
But
unlike in years past when Christian Nice Guys made people mad because they were
weak and passive, they will be ruffling feathers because
they are good and strong. Jesus said to pray for our
enemies. He never said we couldn't (or wouldn't) have any.
Paul Coughlin is the
author of No More Christian Nice Guy and a soon to be released companion Study
Guide. He and his wife Sandy are the authors of
Married
But Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do
to Create The Intimacy You Desire, due out in July from Bethany House.
Visit him online at www.christianniceguy.com